suddenly i feel lk bloggin ..
suddenly i am thinking .. what is love .. who can actually give a definite answer to this question .. nobody .. for everyone .. expectations of love are different ..
some ppl said ..
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."
some also said ..
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
somehow .. i couldn't more than agree to what this person said ..
after so many failure of r/s .. i am tired .. i am trying my best not to anyhow think .. but somehow .. i dunno lei .. i lovee my darling lots .. i doesn't want my happiness to brush beside me and gone just lk tt .. just lk i and my ex .. used to be .. i doesn't want to regret in my life later on .. is tt what a long-distance r/s shld be .. why does some couple always have sweet memories even for long-distance .. perhaps .. i shld partly blame myself .. for thinking too much .. making myself unhappy .. but somehow .. it always happen to what i tink .. i dunno ..
speak to my counsellor ytd thru phone .. had been seeing her for abt 7 or 8 yrs .. since secondary school .. she knows how i feel and what is my history .. mention to her that i had a boyfriend le .. from sg de .. know thru internet .. then she said .. why say bf when both of u are not even met up b4 ... just fren .. there is no hurry to everything .. whu noes .. he might be talking to other girls beside u .. well .. thats true .. since irc has so many girls .. whu noes .. i reali dunno .. i doesn't wan to lose him .. really .. no more of me pushing my love one away from my side .. but .. i dunno .. just can't control .. haiz ..

why .. why does my family becomes like this .. why .. why does my strong good brother becomes lk this .. i am lost .. i am desvasted .. the news i heard .. why .. my brother and his wife had a misunderstanding .. or perhaps is not .. he had a girl outside ..
now he is at hospital .. ytd called him .. he told me he is enjoying himself at the hospital .. got newspaper,, tv, bed, meals .. then came out a crazy laughter .. why .. why has he become lk tt .. why .. i am so worried .. this is the first time i heard he admitted to hospital .. he is always the strongest .. and the best brother .. but why .. things went so bad .. why ... i am so worried .. cried to slp .. no mind to work at all .. why ..
i wanted to fly back sg immediately .. but everyone told me .. i come back also useless .. i am such a useless sister .. my brother lk tt i cannot do anything .. what could i do .. i wan to see my old brother back .. who can understand the sadness in me .. nobody ..
you are disappointed when cisco gave u the wrong info .. yet as a gf i cannot do anything .. useless ..
my parents are worried about my brother and sis-in-law .. they unable to contact them .. i knew what is the reason .. but yet i cannot say or do anything .. useless daughter ..
i am a useless sister .. useless gf .. useless daughter .. a useless person who shouldn't be living in this world ..
useless ..
useless ..
useless ...
useless ....
why is nobody to talk to when i nd someone .. why there is nobody by my side when i nd someone badly .. why .. why .. i goin to break down soon once again .. nt for r/s .. but this for my brother ...
i love him so much .. i dun wan anything to happen to him .. no pls .. pls .. bless him for me .. this is my first time i cry for my brother .. from young .. he is always the one by my side when i nd him .. but nw .. he nd somebody .. but yet .. ahh ..

its u that made me feel so in love .. its u that made me want to love u more each day .. its u that gave me assurence of us .. ytd was a bad day for me .. things went the way i dun wan it to be .. but .. in life things are not always smooth .. it muz be fate that brought us tgr .. i treasure the moments we had .. tho its short .. real short .. hahah .. but u brought me joy and sad .. lolx .. anw .. i love the way u are .. i hope u will really love me the way i am ba .. of cause lk for smoking .. i know its for my own gd that u wanted me to quit .. i will try .. i went to supermarket today .. normally i will buy a pack of cig when i go there .. but i din today .. cause i reali wanted to quit ler .. its u that i wan to give in everything .. none of my ex reali managed to made me quit tho ..
i know we are far apart .. but hopefully we can overcome this 1yr+ b4 i go back .. nth will happen to us right .. then we will be officially be tgr ba .. at the moment i wun nt be so committed .. nono ..i will be committed .. aiya .. i dunno what i am saying .. things are hard to write and type .. in all in my heart .. i know it .. =) ..
anw .. i am on diet .. hahah .. nt gonna eat my dinner .. or me is supper .. cause i eat my lunch at 12pm .. then dinner at 4pm .. so its my supper .... but to the ppl here .. is dinner ... cause the first meal u had of the day is breakfast .. thats why .. anw .. i wun be eating noodles or what .. perhaps just apples and biscuits and soya .. hee .. think it will be full .. today juz ate one meal ...
darling .. i miss u so much .. wanted to go back sg now to be with u .. tho i told u i dun wan to .. but u shld noe huh .. our soul and mind are tgr .. =) .. love u bits .. muack!!!!
hope u wake up sooner .. then can talk to u online .. take care .. u sick le .. rmb to drink more water k .. drink enuff until u alright .. i will be worried de .. =) .. u will get surprise soon .. hee .. nt gonna tell as it meant to be surprise ..

it wun matter hw tired am i just to wait for u online .. but all i get is .. perhaps u dun mean anything .. perhaps u are just tired .. or perhaps i dun like the things is it .. perhaps we dun suit .. perhaps .. so many perhaps .. why .. u dun even noe i am unhappy anot .. why .. can't u just concern about me .. juz wanting to tell u i saw a car i lk .. but ur attitude is lk .. haiz .. i dunno .. suan le .. perhaps .. things are wrong .. so wrong ..

suddenly one thing came to my mind .. and i decide to blog .. he is someone who doesn't noe hw to swt talk on normal times .. but what abt when we quarrel .. what abt things are unhappy .. will he coax me .. or will he be his usual self .. dun swt talk .. treat as nth has happen ...
today got scalded .. nw my hands had blister .. so pain lor .. haiz .. dun say le .. sad .. no mood blog .. bb ..

i think i have fallen in love with u ... somehow .. seeing those love show .. how i wish it was u and me .. seeing ppl gettin married .. hw i wish it was u and me .. those happy things was all abt us .. and only u and me .. i dunno why .. perhaps i reali starting to love u .. u are nt someone who will sweet talk .. i tot i will mind .. but somehow .. to me it is no longer impt .. as long as we are tgr for everything .. everything is perfect .. this is the first time .. i will picture someone and me even without any verbal planning .. i dunno .. serious .. does it mean we are meant to be tgr??
reali missing u whenever u are nt here .. missing u every sec .. hoping time will faster pass .. then we could reali be tgr happily .. i know things will nt be as smooth as what we hope .. but i promise to try my best to make it smooth .. love u darling .. think this is the first time i telling u tis .. muack .. take care of urself okie .. hope ur driving test will pass .. then when i go back my turn to have driving test .. then can buy car tgr .. and drive ard .. i will try my best to be ur perfect gf .. or mayb future wife .. but promise dun leave me .. like what u say .. give us a chance .. i will .. will treasure the time tgr .. at the moment just tolerate of being separated okie .. when i back .. u wan us to be separated also cannot lor .. i also wun allow .. hee ...

someone ask me why today nvr blog .. i mean in the afternoon .. and i promised i will blog at night .. so here i am .. well .. 2 moths was killed in front of me .. i was so freaking scared .. one is white in colour .. one is black .. zzz .. hate it .. so big .. bleah .. so hungry nw .. but i have nth to eat lor .. sad .. i left my biscuits dwnstairs .. haiz ..
two of my collugues got fired .. cause no permit .. then boss dun wanna take the risk .. cause nw catch very strict .. hmmm .. they got to leave by next week even haven find any job .. haiz .. suddenly they so lost .. cause they haven find any job lor .. haha ..
my feeling nw so confused .. perhaps .. things went too fast lerx .. i dun feel any love from him lor .. dunno lahx .. mayb things reali went too fast .. too fast tt i have no preparation .. haiz .. somehow .. i dunno why i have a feeling .. we wun last .. we like not suitable for each other lor .. dunno leix .. haiz .. mayb cause i am in uk or what lor .. i dunno lahz .. we nvr meet b4 .. hw can just start lk tt .. thats why i nvr say the three words to him b4 .. cause no feeling .. no confident .. haiz .. i dunno hw he will feel when he read this post .. sorry if i hurt u .. but .. i dunno lah .. perhaps i had good feelings for him .. but .. too scared to get on further .. haiz .. anw .. really miss u when u are nt online or what .. haiz .. dunno lah!

hmm .. why would i miss someone now .. haiz .. i dunno lahx .. so lost .. what is he doing .. haiz ...
weather here is getting hotter and hotter each day lor .. even at night .. sux ... just like in sg nw .. here no fan .. no air-con .. wah lao lor .. haiz ... sweating so much .. cannot slp lor .. tata ..

seeing my frenz esp angie so in love .. i really feel happy for her .. i rmb @ the beginning .. she was having lots of prob with her bf .. but nw .. they are so sweet .. hope they get married faster .. but after i go back huh .. haha .. so that i can attend her wedding .. lolx ..
seeing ppl in love .. making me wan to be in love .. but like what cecile had said ytd .. i have to wait everything till i go back .. i cannt wan love to fall .. but i nd to fall in love .. meaning i will love someone without any force .. well .. can i find that someone in the future ..
however .. let me remind of my past r/s .. i dunno could i overcome my sensitivity .. or insecurity .. i dunno .. i am afraid that if i had a r/s now .. or future .. the outcome will be the same as i and my ex .. meaning BREAK .. haiz .. i reali had no idea .. confused .. whu can tell me what to do .. dunno lah ..
now what i could do is to work and work and play com every single day .. and chatting on msn lor .. haiz .. bored life ~ but soon everything will be over .. hee .. and i will have full of programs when i get back .. perhaps i should start planning exactly what should i do when i go back ... at least have some goals .. and is realistic goals lah .. hmm .. tata ..

really .. seriously .. having bad moodswings recently .. sometimes just cry for no reason .. perhaps .. down deep inside my heart is really lonely and sad .. just that i am just trying to cover .. not to feeel too lonely and sad .. just by listenin to songs .. abt 2 ex come to my mind .. one is alex and raymond .. raymond is the most number of times .. dunno but why .. recently .. i have been really missing him .. haiz .. can't get hold of him, my heart will feel ache and brk like when we are tgr, i cannot get hold of him .. the feeling now and last time is the same .. however .. sad to say .. i also dunno why .. wei qiang .. however didn't really pop out in my mind lor .. haha .. perhaps in the first place i dun love him at all bah .. thats why .. and perhaps we din have much memories .. perhaps i am cheap .. prefer guys who treat me bad .. lolx .. idiot lor .. anw .. really miss him alot .. was watching cornering with love (转角遇到爱）again .. and him is all in my mind .. and my collugues was watching wei xiao pasta （微笑 Pasta）.. it was him again .. why .. why can't i just forget him after being treated so badly for so long .. perhaps its isn't tt bad ..
most of my friends are happily attached with bf/gf ... those even said will not able to get a gf for sure .. even have a gf now .. why .. not me .. i will envy them alot .. having their another partner care and concern them and loving them .. why .. for me ... nobody @ all .. i really feeling very upset about this .. who could understand .. some of my friends are even engaged .. perhaps like what my mummy will always say .. if my life is good, i could be a mother by now ... perhaps my life is fated to be like tt .. left out on the shelf .. perhaps this is a punishment by god .. for being too 花心 like time .. perhaps bah .. i really dunno .. just hopeful .. i will be able to get a good bf soon and perhaps husband .. hopefully ..
if i were to die out of home .. will anyone remember me as a fren .. as a ex .. as a sista .. as a ex-collugues .. i doubt so .. perhaps nobody will even noe whether i dead or not .. pathetic me huh!! the only person who could make me laugh is my brother .. perhaps he is the only one who understand me ... how terrible i am feeling .. he will make endless effort of trying to make me happy .. even i noe what he says is fake .. but at least i really feel happy talking to him ..
sometimes .. i really wish i ccould die .. and then will not have so much to think .. so much problem .. really .. feeling tired .. can't think .. if one could die so easily, everyone who tried to commit suicide, wun failed and becum paralysed person ler ..
ok lahx .. time to end .. buaiz ..

suddenly feel tt i have nth to do with the com now .. so bored even got a com with me .. haiz .. was watch the ella show with fei lun hai .. suddenly rmb of him .. tho our days tgr are short .. but we really had lots of memories tgr ... we did so many things today .. perhaps could even say, its partly because of him, it is me now ... i am grateful of what he used to do ... tho mostly make me unhappy .. last time .. cause i dunno the reason why tt time .. but now .. thankx alot raymond ..

gosh .. got a new com .. about 400 pound lor .. sux .. haiz .. broke now ler .. hp brand .. not bad lahx .. processor everything still quite okay lor .. hee .. anw .. will be able to go online everyday .. cause paid 20 pound for net .. haiz .. nth is free on this world .. pui~ going to rest now .. tired .. got up early to buy this computer lor ..

hie ... miss me?? haha .. computer spoil .. cannot on .. its repairing .. using my collugues computer to blog now .. hmmz .. life in uk is getting fine .. gettin used lerx .. haha .. ytd had a bad dream .. nightmare .. but i forget what i dreamt of .. i immediately woke up from my sleep SHOCKED and SCARED .. hmm .. i din do anything bad lehx .. aww ..
things are getting bad in my family esp my brother and sister in law ... maybe getting dioverce .. haiz .. suck .. what is going on now .. i cannot do anything .. and my mother and father is go fucking hell worried abt them lor .. haiz .. making me more worried .. haiz .. they are goin to malaysia tdy ... haiz .. so worried lor .. now malaysia is so unsafe lor ..
any show to recommend me to watch .. bored lor .. haiz ..
might be buying a new com soon .. hp brand about 400 lor ..dunno lahx .. see how lor .. hahah ..
oh ya .. i just bought a new SONY digital cam . .. about 170 .. 8.2 pixels ... and most importantly why i buy is because it is in PINK ..!! cool!!!!! anw ..
i think i gonna go back to singapore next yr end which is about ard sept 2009 lor .. hmmz ... cause nd money badly in sg .. hahaa ..
gonna end now .. my collugue laptop so fucking hell to type .. so sensitive lor .. haiz .. tata .. miss my frenz badly .. did anyone miss me?? hmmm ..